December 19, 2009

Schindler Sez

A lot of people talk a good game, but only a few play one!

Santa Comes Tonight

On the way home from our family's Christmas Eve party at our son John's house, with our younger children--Jimmie 22, Heidi 21, and Rachel, 19--I asked them if they wanted to open their gifts that night or the next morning (Christmas). Jimmie and Rachel wanted to open their gifts that night, but Heidi wanted to wait until Christmas morning.
"Heidi," I asked, "why do you want to wait until tomorrow?"
"Because," she innocently answered, "Santa doesn't come until tonight!"

Mistakes

There are two kinds of people who never make mistakes. The first kind never does anything, and the second kind is dead! Anyone who does anything at all will make them. So I never worry about making a mistake. But as soon as I realize that I did, I try to correct it as quickly as possible.

Fluzies

Did you know pigs have their own flu viruses? Now those damn swine are trying t give them to us. Fluzies!

December 12, 2009

Schindler Sez

Eat less...live longer.

Listen Listen Listen

It pays to listen to everyone, for everyone, in some way, is mentally your superior. There is not a person on earth who doesn't know more about something than you do. So if you listen carefully to each person whom you meet, you might be surprised what you can learn.

The Face on the Bar Room Bore

In 1966, I was 32 years old, and for the first time in my life I grew a beard. I kept it well trimmed and, frankly, I thought that I looked quite handsome. One day, as my wife and I were having dinner and a few drinks at Tony's Tap, a Decatur watering hole, some friends of ours, Tom and Peg Sefton, joined us. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, Peg looked at me and said, "I really like your beard."
"You do?" I replied, hoping to hear more.
"Yes," she continued, "It hides so much of your face!"

December 5, 2009

Schindler Sez

If someone else pays for your mistakes, you're not going t learn much.

A Funny Picture

A few days after my first column, Schindler Sez, appeared in my hometown paper, the Decatur Daily Democrat, I rang up my old Decatur buddy, Joe Jauregui and his wife Maxine answered the phone. "Maxine, did you read my column?" I asked.
"Yeah, I read it," she replied.
"Did you like it?"
"Yeah...I laughed as soon as I saw your picture."

Tall Hog

No matter how big or small you are, if you're the only hog at the trough, you're tall hog.

Wives Rule

If it's true that in the Bible it says, "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands in all things," then why is it generally the other way around?

November 28, 2009

Schindler Sez

Don't pat yourself too hard on the back. It will not only irritate others, but you might break your damn arm.

More BSS

I know a lot of you folks will never believe this, but it's true. In 1956, I graduated from John Carroll University, with a BSS degree. In case you're wondering what BSS stands for, It simply means more BS than just plain BS.

The Donkeys

At the edge of Fort Wayne, on Highway #14 (Illinois Road), the Indiana Department of Transportation (INDOT) is in charge of widening approximately a two-mile stretch for the past two years and they still aren't finished. The prjected completion date is August of 2010, roughly three years from when they started That's less than an average of one mile of new, finished highway per year.
Now if INDOT was in charge of building a highway, at that pace, across the United States, which is roughly three thousand miles, it would take them--you guessed it--over three thousand years! Hell, the ancient Romans could have done it faster by hand, using just donkeys and mules. But obviously they wouldn't have put the asses in charge!

November 21, 2009

Schindler Sez
If you want to feel smart...surround yourself with dumb asses!

The Old Oil Barrel

I believe it's apparent to everyone that during the holidays and other times when traffic is anticipated to quite heavy, the price of gasoline shoots up. Probably because the gasoline companies know the consumers will use more gas during these times and, basically, they have not other alternative.
If I raised the prices in my restaurants, Bandido's, during especially busy times,like on weekends, I'm sure my customers would have a fit and go elsewhere. Considering this, would it be presumptuous to say, "The gasoline companies literally have us bent over the old oil barrel and show no remorse in sticking it to us...Dicks!"

I Miss It

I've lost my shirt, I've lost my way and I lost my ass. But of all the things I ever lost...I miss my mind the most!
Paraphrasing Anonymous

November 14, 2009

Schindler Sez

He who locks his keys in the car...won't go too far!

And the Winner is...

In a contest to ascertain what profession is the most dishonest and despicable, hold on to your hats folks, you're never going to believe this. The politicians came in first place, barely beating out the lawyers. But boy...it was a close race!

The Media Loves Misery

The only enterprise I know that thrives exclusively on the misery of others...is the Media. To the Media, "Bad news is Good news."

A Very Dark Place

After Notre Dame's football team's recent loss to Navy, their coach, Charlie Weis, said something on national TV, like, "I'm not going to change anything (about the way he coaches)." Obviously Charlie has never learned that if you keep doing the same old thing the same old way...you're going to get the same old results. All I can say is, "His head must be in the same old very dark place."

Uncommon Sense

"You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that iftdoes no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
-Dr. adrian Rogers,1931

Schindler Sez

Never let anyone put their hand into your pocket or purse, unless you know how much they're going to take!

Not so Nobel

Since President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his peaceable intentions and future accomplishments (should there be any), maybe they'll award me the Nobel Prize for Literature since I intend to write on of the greatest books of all time...in the future of course! Besides, I could use the money.

The Mirror

"Honey," Rosanne said, to get her husband's attention. "Do you want to see something really beautiful? Look at this."
Glancing at the blooming Christmas cactus, which his wife proudly displayed for his approval, he replied, "Oh, hell, I thought you were going to hand me a mirror."

A Thousand to None

Losers have a thousand excuses, winners don't need any!